Modern Day Matchmaker: 12 Signs You're Not Ready for Marriage

Modern Day Matchmaker: 12 Signs You're Not Ready for Marriage
By Paul Carrick Brunson

Engagements aren't having the best year. Last week Vivica Fox called off her engagement and it's rumored that Jennifer Hudson and David Otunga could be headed for splitsville. Basketball Wives stars Gloria Govan and Matt Barnes even ended their lengthy engagement for a second time last month.

The truth is, marriage may not work for everyone and sometimes the time just isn't right. For many, this is a difficult statement to accept, however, when we don’t acknowledge the truth and blindly enter matrimony, the effects can come back to bite all of us (in some cases a broken marriage = broken children = broken community). I’m convinced that a significant reason for the looming divorce rate (of approximately 48%) is due to one simple reason; many of us marry when we’re not ready.

The best way to deal with a broken marriage is to preempt it because once a marriage is broken it is very difficult to restore. Since prevention is better than a cure, it's important that we recognize how to identify if we’re ready for marriage in the first place.

The following are 12 signs that a person is not ready for marriage. I ask that you read and share. Of course, if you feel I missed any vital signs, please include them in the comments below.

You're More Concerned With the Wedding than the Marriage

Often, more time is spent preparing and agonizing over the wedding details than actually considering the marriage. If you know more about the flowers at your upcoming wedding than you do about your partner’s debt situation, marriage ain’t for you.

The Trust Isn't There Yet
Trust is critical. However, I find that some people don’t believe it’s possible to “fully” trust anyone, let alone a future spouse. If this is your challenge, you’re setting yourself up for a tumultuous relationship. Trust is belief in one’s integrity. No relationship can survive without trust.

You Can't See Yourself Parenting Their Child
When you enter a relationship with a single parent, you enter a relationship with their children, as well. I've heard countless stories of people saying “I love the person but just don’t love his/her kids.” This unfortunately is an unworkable situation. Children are not accessories to be included or not, they are a permanent part of the equation.

You Haven't Been Dating for Long
This is one category where statistics speak volumes. Most studies show a clear distinction in the divorce rate based on the number of years a couple dates. If you date and get married in less than two years, divorce rates are measurably higher than dating and marrying with more time under our belt. An interesting twist to these studies is dating too long before getting married has negative consequences, as well (anything over five years has high divorce rates).

Your Vitals Aren't Strong
If you’re headed to the altar without your relationship vitals in place, I call this settling. Relationship vitals are your values, personality type, and non-negotiables. These are all categories you should know and never amend for anyone. Your vitals are so important because the key pillars to a successful relationship are communication and conflict resolution. Met relationship vitals give you the optimal chance to exchange ideas and work through problems, when they arise.

You're Not Ready for Compromise
The pastor that counseled my wife and me before we got married told us something we’ll never forget – “You can’t have a successful relationship (romantic or platonic) unless you have a willingness to compromise.” When times get tough, there is one of two ways we react. Either we become selfish and focus on self or we become selfless and focus on our loved ones. If you (or they) are the former, marriage is not the right move.

You're Being Pressured
Are you getting married because of threats or ultimatums? If this is the case, you shouldn't be getting married. Marriage should be entered by the free will of two people who love and respect one another. If you’re being pressured to get married, it’s time to reevaluate the basis of the relationship.

You Don't Speak Their Love Language
I've often said Dr. Gary Chapman’s book “The 5 Love Languages” is the bible of relationships. In it, he paints a very compelling argument that an inability to speak or receive the love language of your partner is a recipe for disaster. Not giving love in a language they understand or receiving love in your language means you and your partner may never truly feel love.

You're Not Sexually Attracted to Each Other
Plain and simple, he can be the most wonderful guy in the world, have the potential to set the record for best husband and father on the planet, but if you’re not sexually attracted to him, your relationship will go south quickly.

You're Battling Addiction or Mental Health Issues
Pathology is something that does not get enough attention when we talk about relationships. Nearly 20 million people in the U.S. suffer from negative pathology. This means one in 25 people will have the disorders associated with ‘no conscience’ which include antisocial personality disorder, sociopath, and psychopath. Bottom line is that a healthy mind is a prerequisite to a healthy relationship.

You're Investing More than You Can Afford to Lose
The joining together of two people is also the joining together of two families and circles of friends. Social tension is often cited as a top reason for divorce. You must ask yourself “at what cost am I in this relationship?” If you have to give up your friends, or family, the cost is too high. Reason being, if it all falls apart, you’ll be both emotionally and socially bankrupt. Like Dr. Phil said, “it is better to be healthy alone, than sick with someone else.”

Your Mind Still Wanders
If you’re apprehensive about marriage because you feel that someone better (looks or general attributes) could be around the corner, marriage ain't for you. When you get married, you should feel confident that the person you’re meeting at the altar is the best for you and life without them is imaginable.

Read more: http://www.essence.com/2011/11/08/modern-day-matchmaker-12-signs-youre-not-ready-for-marriage/#ixzz1oM1NctNm

Modern Day Matchmaker: Are You Dating a Boy or a Man?

I thought that this was a really good read, and made some really valid points....

Modern Day Matchmaker: Are You Dating a Boy or a Man?
By Paul Carrick Brunson

Sometimes, ideas for posts come to me in conversation, sometimes based on what I read, and others I'm inspired by the real situations my clients are in. But believe it or not, my all time favorite source for ideas is Twitter. I find the social media platform to be the best pulse to find out what’s of interest in our lives.  

Ive seen a lot of chatter on Twitter about people's opinion on the difference between a boy and a man. I wasn’t compelled to respond until I saw several tweets articulating age as an important factor. While I believe age is part of the equation, let’s be clear: not every boy becomes a man.

Here are the top seven differences between boys and men. Ladies, listen up.

Does He Have Goals?
“The man is aiming at a goal; the boy is drifting aimlessly.” — Author Unknown

How Responsible Is He?
Men make and keep commitment, boys don’t.

What Does He Call You?
Boys want a “wifey”. Men want a wife.

Can He Communicate?
A boy tells you about his day. A man will ask you about yours, and listen.

Does He Accomplish or Destroy?
Boys consume. Men produce.

Can You Trust Him?
You can put your trust in a man. Your trust is always lost with a boy.

Does He Know Who He Is?
Boys dress, talk, and act like everyone else. Men emulate no one.

Does He Want to Stimulate His Mind?
Men are never afraid to ask questions. Boys think they have it all figured out.

What Are His Beliefs?
Boys believe nothing is greater than themselves. Men believe in a higher power.

Is He Serious About His Future?
Boys chase girls and women. Men chase family.

Does He Pick Up the Phone?
Boys send text messages. Men call.

What Is His Purpose?
Boys exist in stagnation. Men embrace change.

Does He Have Baggage?
Boys have liabilities. Men possess assets.

How Does He Handle the First Date?
Boys split the check. Men pay.

How He Handles Adversity?
Boys become selfish. Men are selfless.



Read more:
http://www.essence.com/2011/10/25/modern-day-matchmaker-how-to-tell-if-youre-dating-a-man-or-a-boy/#ixzz1oLwwFMmN

Season of Rain

This year has taught me a lot of things, and I was both humbled and grateful.   I accept everything that happened to me in 2011, and have no regrets about it.  There is a reason that I went through the burning sands in 2011.  The struggle is going to make me stronger.  The changes will be coming in 2012.  A fresh start awaits me.  A new day has begun.   I have learned more about me this year than any other year in my years on this side of the dirt.  This year, I have learned what made me tick, and learned to stop holding my tongue (like I ever stopped in the first place).

This year, 2011, was my season of rain.  In 2012 my earth will harden under my feet and I will be standing on solid ground.  If you loved me, I loved you.  If I was your friend or family, then I will continue to be the same person.   If you talked about me, good or bad, I see it as free publicity.  If you hated me, you probably didn't understand me or didn't take the time out to get to know me.

Here and now...

Well I started, well I should say restarted this blog because of the craziness on the other blog called The Retired Homewrecker.  The name Homewrecker was 'given' to me by a few little boys who thought they could play the player, but when the heat was turned up, couldn't play the game and got burned in the end.

The blog came about when I got tired of the games men and women play on each other. This blog is the basis for people for use to get info on how to play the game better, and to share your stories.

I will move my original blog The Retired Homewrecker to its new home here.  As a warning, all people that read and comment on this blog better come correct and ready to explain your 2 cents to the world (and to me) because you will get raked across the coals.  I do not hold my tongue and will not start doing it either.

In the words of my main man Tank...
"I’m about to spill the truth on these niggas and I know I’m a lose a fan...

So don’t shout me out now nigga
Don’t quote my songs
Don’t gas me up now killer
Don’t write them wrongs
Don’t say you knew me then playa
And then try to serve me now waiter
Cause I could use you better as a hater"



Signed,
The Original Quiet Storm

Dammit bitches!

Yes! I said dammit bitches! This poem has been on my blog for YEARS!!! I am not the owner of the poem! However, I have to say my 2 fucking cents on all these anonymously written responses to this poem. 

ALL YOU BITCHES NEED TO OWN UP TO WHAT YOU ARE SAYING ON THIS BLOG!!!

Every woman on this planet has at one time or another, knowingly or unknowingly, has BEEN THE OTHER DAMN WOMAN! HELL, I will admit to it that I have been the one that was cheated on and the other woman.  I know all about what the poem dictates. I need for all of you to keep it one hundred not just with me but also to yourself.  PUT YOUR FUCKING NAME WHERE YOUR ASS TYPED! 

Do you feel better about yourself when you come on my blog and speak your mind without remorse?  I bet that all of you assholes have Facebook pages and will post all of your intimate details there, but you cant own up to a years old blog?!?!? Come on, son!

Poem - Apologize

Apologize

I came to the realization

That an apology will never come

Your pride will not allow you to be wrong

I had your back

I picked you up when you fell

Dusted you off and pushed you in the right direction of greatness

Tied your bootstraps when you stumbled

Brought you to the top of your game

And what did I get??

Ridicule

Disgust

My will broken, faith diminished

Dreams deferred

Love denied and held for ransom

Mentally beaten, emotionally devastated

I’ve done so much for you

During the years together and apart

It took an act of the Almighty and several issues

To realize that it was all a lie

To admit that it was all wrong

And walk away from you

I had to realize

That you were a disease

That I needed to be cured from

To get rid of you would be my salvation

For all of the things wrong with our unholy union

I know you will never apologize to me

After all, you are always right

It’s not in you to admit

Too late

The bridges have been burned

Olive branches used as kindling

Just walk away and never look back

Real men apologize, but we know that you aren’t one of them.

To all the idiots....

Yeah this is my testament to the stupid idiot that had nothing better to do than to go on a blog in which I haven't touched in over a year to say simple minded comments on a poem that I didn't even write!

I would have gone on a expletive-filled rant, but that will only push me to your level. However, I will respond to your name-calling first amendment expression.

That poem must have REALLY struck a nerve with you, didn't it?? From the filth that came forth from your little fingers, you must have had your man taken away from you in this fashion. Let me be the one to apologize. I will apologize to you for not taking the time out to learn all the needs, wants, and desires that your man had and you decided that you didn't want to know about it. I apologize to you for not satisfying your man the right way - mentally, physically, and emotionally. I apologize to you that the woman that wrote that poem wasn't me, but I understand where that woman is coming from, and it should be a lesson to you.

I apologize that my nickname bothers you so much. I apologize that the Homewrecker is not from the ghetto, as you so lovingly put it, but by way of Capital Hill, one of the wealthiest sections of Washington, DC. I apologize that I carry myself like the diva that I am, and I command respect, and give respect in return. I apologize that I am college-educated and not a "classless twat". I can only assume that he must have called you that at some point in your miserable life. I apologize that I am not a "grubby little bitch", but I am the Head Bitch in Charge. Oh, that's right - you think I envy you because you are an "accomplished woman"? No, I don't envy you, but I do feel sorry for you. Most accomplished women lead very empty lives because they lost themselves in that bourgeois world.

As the passage goes (Matthew 16:26):
"For what is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul? or what shall a man give in exchange for his soul?"